Bitter Sweet

I have found myself saying "bitter-sweet" at least 10 times a day and I have had so many thoughts tonight that I need to write them all down.  See, I have this bitter feeling about living in Utah while my husband is in his first year in medical school.  I want more then anything to be there with him, supporting him, and taking care of him, but I can’t.  I decided that when I came back to Utah, I was going to stop writing on my blog and stop writing in my journal because I didn’t want to remember any details about my time away from Nathan.  But tonight I feel much different.  Tonight this is how I am feeling.

See, I know there is a reason for everything and everything has a reason.  I know that we are not here by chance but that we are here to prove ourselves to Heavenly Father.  I was thinking about the pre-mortal life and how it must have been when our Father presented his plan to us, His plan for us to come to earth.  I imagine him gathering us all together and telling us His plan.  I can just hear him say, if you do what is right and obey all the commandments and live righteously, then you may live with me again, and if you make a mistake, then you can repent, through Jesus Christ.  But there will be a great deal of you who will not make it back, who will choose a different route and choose not to be with me forever.  All of us probably shook our heads and said no, no, no I am going to do what ever it takes to make it back, I won’t be one of those people, but we can’t remember how we felt at that point because there is a veil and we have forgotten how we previously felt about our Father, because we are human, we forget.  I wish I could have remembered how I felt, because I can imagine myself being pumped and saying, I can do this, its going to be tough but I can get through it.  I am strong.  I think that’s what I would have said because that is what I have been saying to myself everyday since I had to move away from Nate.  I know it’s tough and I know it’s hard, but I know if I do what is right and live righteously, that I can move back to live with Nate.  Because right now it feels as if time is standing still and I will never ever get to see him again, but I know I am apart from him for a reason.  I know that when this is all over, that I will look back on this experience I will say “dang, I really am a strong person and I can get through anything.”  I know my faith will grow and that I will become a better person, if I continue to do everything I need too.  If we are never tested, then how could we ever believe in ourselves?  We all have our trials in life and I always find myself saying, “I’d rather have that persons trial, it seems easier” but really?  It’s not, that’s why it is called a trial. 

I find myself wishing that I could share the gospel with everyone, because it brings me such great happiness and I want everyone to be happy!  Not that we don’t ever have sad days, but I want people to know that their purpose is a most important one!