I have found myself saying "bitter-sweet" at least 10 times a day and I have had so many thoughts tonight that I need to write
them all down. See, I have this
bitter feeling about living in Utah while my husband is in his first year in
medical school. I want more then
anything to be there with him, supporting him, and taking care of him, but I
can’t. I decided that
when I came back to Utah, I was going to stop writing on my blog and stop
writing in my journal because I didn’t want to remember any details about my
time away from Nathan. But tonight
I feel much different. Tonight this
is how I am feeling.
See, I know there is a reason for everything and everything
has a reason. I know that we are
not here by chance but that we are here to prove ourselves to Heavenly Father. I was thinking about the pre-mortal
life and how it must have been when our Father presented his plan to us, His
plan for us to come to earth. I
imagine him gathering us all together and telling us His plan. I can just hear him say, if you do what
is right and obey all the commandments and live righteously, then you may live
with me again, and if you make a mistake, then you can repent, through Jesus
Christ. But there will be a great
deal of you who will not make it back, who will choose a different route and
choose not to be with me forever.
All of us probably shook our heads and said no, no, no I am going to do
what ever it takes to make it back, I won’t be one of those people, but we can’t
remember how we felt at that point because there is a veil and we have
forgotten how we previously felt about our Father, because we are human, we
forget. I wish I could have
remembered how I felt, because I can imagine myself being pumped and saying, I
can do this, its going to be tough but I can get through it. I am strong. I think that’s what I would have said because that is what I
have been saying to myself everyday since I had to move away from Nate. I know it’s tough and I know it’s hard,
but I know if I do what is right and live righteously, that I can move back to
live with Nate. Because right now
it feels as if time is standing still and I will never ever get to see him
again, but I know I am apart from him for a reason. I know that when this is all over, that I will look back on
this experience I will say “dang, I really am a strong person and I can get
through anything.” I know my faith
will grow and that I will become a better person, if I continue to do
everything I need too. If we are never tested, then how could we ever believe in ourselves? We all have
our trials in life and I always find myself saying, “I’d rather have that
persons trial, it seems easier” but really? It’s not, that’s why it is called a trial.
I find myself wishing that I could share the gospel with
everyone, because it brings me such great happiness and I want everyone to be
happy! Not that we don’t ever have
sad days, but I want people to know that their purpose is a most important one!
